The Cleanest Guy in Town
Keswick and June often spent early evenings sitting on their front porch. Folks passed by at their leisure, waving a greeting to the couple over their white picket fence. One neighbor, Wallabee, caught their attention. It wasn’t just his tall stature and dapper appearance that caused them to take pause. It was Wallabee’s jolly whistling and the song he sang that always ended with the line “I’m the cleanest guy in town!”
“How do you like that Wallabee?” said Keswick to June. “Always bragging that he’s the cleanest guy in town. Where does he get off?”
“He must be joking,” June replied.
“Whatever do you mean?” said Keswick. “Look at those duds. Look at his hat. That get up must cost a thousand dollars easy. But he doesn’t have to go on bragging.”
June just laughed. “No, he really must be joking. I mean, that guy stinks to high heaven. He reeks.”
“Reeks? But how can you tell? We’re clear across the yard.”
“Honey,” replied June, “I’m six months pregnant. I can literally smell a stale cigarette butt from a country mile. For instance, I know you have a piece of licorice in your right front pocket as we speak.”
“My gosh, I do!” said Keswick. “That’s amazing. I was saving it for later.”
The next evening, they heard Wallabee’s merry whistling as he strutted down the lane. When he caught sight of Keswick and June he heartily sang out his signature line, “Skiddily-diddly-doodily I’m the cleanest guy in town!” At that, Keswick charged from his porch to confront Wallabee. Poor Wallabee was startled by Keswick’s aggressiveness, but stood his ground, erect.
“Say, Wallabee, what’s the big idea saying you’re cleanest guy in town? Are you trying to crack wise?”
“No sir,” replied Wallabee. “No sir. You see, in all my years I’ve washed behind my ears. That’s why I’m…the cleanest guy in town.”
“I’m not buyin’ it,” said Keswick. “Something smells fishy.”
“What’s there not to buy?” said Wallabee. “Can’t you see with your own eyes? Just look at me. Impeccable, stylish, one of a kindish. That’s me -- Wallabee!”
Keswick was unmoved. “Open your coat, Wallabee. I think I smell a rat.”
“You smell no such thing, sir.”
Keswick advanced and tore open Wallabee’s coat. He sniffed as hard as he could, then retched and gagged. Composing himself, he said to Wallabee, “Jeez, you stink, man! What the hell?”
“I stink? No I do not. Why that’s an affront, sir.”
“It’s no affront, Wallabee, it’s a fact. You stink.”
“But if my ears need soap, I scrub like a dope. That’s why I’m…the cleanest guy in town.”
“Wallabee,” said Keswick, “is it possible, just possible, that your ears are all that you clean?”
“Now why would I need to clean anything else? If my ears are spotless I could even go topless. That’s why I’m…”
“No you’re not, Wallabee, no you’re not. You’re dirty and you’re stinky and I have no other choice than to make a citizen’s arrest.”
Keswick grabbed Wallabee and began pulling him into his yard. “Unhand me, sir, unhand me!” shouted Wallabee. Keswick called for June’s help and they were soon able to pull Wallabee up to their porch. “June, we’re gonna wash this dirty man. That’s all there is to it.”
“What country are we living in when you can just grab a man off the street and wash him?” questioned Wallabee.
“I’m afraid it’s our civic duty,” replied Keswick. “I do believe the country will thank us.”
“Well,” said Wallabee, “if it’s your civic duty then I guess I’ll have to abide.”
“I’ll fetch the wash tub,” said June.
Keswick and June tried their best not to breath in the smell as they stripped Wallabee of his clothing. “Hey,” said Wallabee, “what about my dignity?”
“We’ll give you your dignity back after we’ve properly scrubbed the filth from your body,” Keswick replied.
“I sure hope so,” said Wallabee, covering himself the best he could. “A man needs his dignity.”
“Indeed he does,” said Keswick. “Indeed he does.”
In time, June returned to the toweled Wallabee with clothing fresh from the dryer. Wallabee quickly dressed, then checked himself in front of the mirror. “Well, Wallabee, how does it feel to really be the cleanest guy in town?” asked Keswick.
“I must say it feels just dandy. I’ve been cleaned from my head to my toes, and looky here, I smell just like a rose.”
Wallabee trotted out the front door singing, “Dippity-dopity-doopity I’m the cleanest guy in town…”
The end.
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