I Really Could...

I Could Do You

                                By Pete Schulte

Rick had been fired that afternoon. His desk cleaned out, there was nothing left to do but leave the office, for good. Last box in hand he headed for the door. But wait, there was one last stop: Cindy’s desk. But more importantly, Cindy herself behind Cindy’s desk. Rick was in the unique position of really having nothing left to lose. He could speak his mind. He had something important to say. He said to Cindy, “I could do you.”

“You could do me?” questioned Cindy. “That’s preposterous. You could never do me.”

“I could so do you,” said Rick, “and everyone knows it. The security guard knows it, the lunch lady knows it, the kid in the mail room knows it, even the big boss knows it. Everyone knows it. The question is, why don’t you?”

“Because you only think you can do me. The people that do me know they can do me. You with your mail room boy, your security guard, and even your big boss. You’re tiny men, you come up to my ankles, you’re pesky piss ants. I’m afraid you could never do me. No, it’s unthinkable.”

“I could do you and then you would be done,” said Rick. “Do you understand me? What I’m saying is, no other men after me would interest you in the slightest. I think you’re afraid of that.”

“Afraid?” laughed Cindy. “I think not. Like I said, you only think you can do me. I catch trepidation from men rather easily. You shuffle your feet, lose eye contact, stammer a little. Sorry, but you melt in my presence. I’d eat you alive.”

“You talk tough, sister, but I see right through your act. I’ve seen the way you check me out, I caught you looking at my ass. I stand by what I said. Simply put, Cindy, I could do you.”

“When?” she asked.

“When?”

That’s right, stud, you heard me. When can do me?”

Rick thought about it for a second -- maybe too long a second. “Tonight,” he finally said. “I can do you tonight.”

“No,” said Cindy. “I can’t wait that long. I want you to do me right now.”

“Right now?” questioned Rick. “Are you crazy?”

“It’s not crazy at all. I want you to do me right now, right here. What are they going to do, fire you again? I’m the one taking the chances here.”

“Look,” said Rick, “I’m a classy guy. I like clean sheets, I like music and candlelight. I’m not doing it in an office.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“What’s wrong with tonight? It’s just a couple hours…”

“You pussy. You disgust me.”

“Listen,” said Rick. “Let’s just get the facts straight before I leave the office. It’s been officially determined that I could do you. It’s official and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Yes, it has been officially determined that you could have done me,” said Cindy, a wicked smile creeping across her face. “But you didn’t.”

The end.