The Barney 5
By Pete Schulte
It played like a mantra running through his brain. Sell the decision makers…Sell the decision makers… And this is just what Tobey Sutton intended to do as he bounded up the corporate steps of MAS Industries with a briefcase chock full of samples. He was a salesman after all, though a bit down on his luck. Today would be different, he thought. Today is a great day to die, and it’s also a great day to live. He was happy. He was confident.
Once inside the nearly empty glass building, Tobey approached the first person he could find. It was a man filling up his coffee mug in what looked to be a break station. “Are you the decision maker for MAS Industries?” he asked the man whose glasses nearly fell from his face.
“Are you kidding me?” he replied. “I can’t even decide what I want for lunch. Do I want tacos? Do I want pizza? I don’t know. You should ask Kara. She makes some decisions.”
“That’s wonderful,” said Tobey. “Where is this Kara?”
The man pointed down the hall and off went Tobey. He found a woman busy with filing or some other such task. “Are you Kara?” he asked her.
“Who wants to know?”
“Tobey Sutton wants to know and that’s me. I hear you make the decisions around here.”
“I do make decisions,” said Kara, “but only with regards to lunch. Nobody can decide on what they’re having, so I make those decisions for them. Now what can I help you with Mr. Sutton?”
“I was really hoping to find the decision maker, because I’ve got some really great products to show. You won‘t believe…”
“Stop right there, Sutton. Unless you’ve got some lunch ideas I can’t help you. You’ll have to see Barney.”
“Barney? Who is Barney?”
“Barney is who you go through for just about everything in this place,” said Kara. “If you can get something past Barney, well, good luck to you.”
“What’s his last name?” asked Tobey. “I’d be happy to meet him.”
“He ain’t got one. He’s just Barney. That’s all you need to know, Mr. Sutton.”
“Where can I find this Barney?”
Kara pointed even farther down the hall, to the very end in fact. Tobey squared his shoulders and charged down the corridor. He didn’t want to lose any of his confidence. I’ll show this Barney what I’ve got, he thought. I’ll show him.
At the end of the hall was a door without a name, room number, or any indication that it was somebody’s office. It may have been a custodial closet for all Tobey knew. Warily, he knocked upon the door. There was no answer so he tried it again at greater volume. This time he distinctly heard the word ’enter.’ Tobey slowly pushed the door open and glanced inside. There was a man seated behind a desk, an ordinary man about his age, but no other furniture except for a plain folding chair in front of the desk. There were no wall decorations, pictures, paintings, or anything on the desk itself but a computer. It was easily the most boring office Tobey had ever seen and he’d seen a lot of them. There wasn’t even a window. “Are you Barney?” said Tobey.
“Yes, I am.”
“I hate to be so informal at a business meeting,” said Tobey. “May I have your last name?”
“My last name is 5.”
“Five,” repeated Tobey. “Spelled like the number five?”
“Sort of,” said Barney. “But it’s actually 5, the numerical 5. I’m the fifth edition of the Barney series. I’m a robot. Barney number 5. Now what can I help you with?”
“Wow, you look so real. I would never have guessed.”
“We Barneys do fool a lot of people.”
“Are you the decision maker?” asked Tobey.
“Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I make all the decisions for MAS Industries.”
“Except for lunch.”
Barney 5 laughed, or whatever passed for laughter among robots. “Yes, except for lunch. Those chumps can eat dog food for all I care.”
“Okay,” said Tobey, “I don’t care what they’re having for lunch either. What I wanted to do was introduce myself. I’m Tobey Sutton, and I want to sell to MAS Industries some wonderful products I’ve brought along with me today.”
“No,” said Barney.
“No? But you haven’t even seen them.”
“I’m sorry, Tobey Sutton, but your products are neither needed nor wanted. I’m a robot. I’ve seen them all. It’s been a pleasure to meet you.”
“But they slice,” said Tobey.
“No.”
“And they dice.”
“No.”
“They’re self-cleaning,” pleaded Tobey.
“I don’t care.”
“They’re self-starting.”
“Big whoop.”
“They’re energy efficient.”
“Who cares…”
“Please,” said Tobey. “What can I do to convince you how great these products are? Is it me? Do you not like me?”
“No,” said Barney, “I like you just fine.”
“Listen,” said Tobey, “I’ll do anything. I’m really down on my luck here. You name it. I’ll do anything.”
“No you won’t.”
“I will,” said Tobey. “You try me. I will.”
“All right, Tobey Sutton,” said Barney, “I‘ll try you. At this moment I am prepared to buy 100,000 units of your product.”
“Right now?” questioned Tobey. “But I haven’t even taken them out of my briefcase.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’re fine.”
“100,000 units? Have you any idea how large a commission I’d get for 100,000 units?”
“Yes Tobey, I know exactly how much of a commission you’d get.”
“I’d be a legend back at the office.”
“Yes, you would,” said Barney.
“I’d be practically set for life.”
“Indeed, you would.”
“But what’s the catch?” inquired Tobey. “There’s got to be catch here.”
“I do have one simple request,” replied Barney. “In return for MAS Industries buying 100,000 units, I want you to do one simple thing: I want you to kill me.”
“Kill you!” exclaimed Tobey. “But you said you were a robot. You’re not even alive. How can I kill you?”
“Well, not exactly kill me per say, but I’ll give you a special code and you’ll turn me off -- for good. I’m not programmed to do this myself.”
“But I’ll be caught…and punished.”
“Not a chance,” said Barney. “I’ll set the timer so this happens one or two weeks from now. I’ll erase everything pertinent. They’ll never trace it back to you. It’d be impossible.”
“Listen, Barney, I’m just a salesman, and not even a very good one. I don’t know if I want to get caught up in any of this.”
“Tobey, I wouldn’t even ask you except that you’re my best friend.”
“Best friend? We just met, Barney.”
“Yes, but I told you that I liked you, and I don’t like anybody else. So you must be my best friend.”
“Barney, this is asking a lot.”
“Tobey, do you have a girlfriend or a wife?”
“I do have a girl, Shirley as a matter of fact.”
“Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, a wife, and aside from you not a single friend. Now what about the weekend? You and Shirley have plans?”
“Maybe we do, though certainly nothing extravagant.”
“Well, I don’t” said Barney, “extravagant or otherwise. I sit here in the dark. In fact, that’s what happens when everybody else goes home for the day. I sit here in the dark. I don’t have anything or anybody. I’m nothing, Tobey. And do you think any of those flubs out there in the office care about me? They don’t. Do you know they used to throw things at me until I started docking their pay. One of them plays computer games at his desk all day. Another hides alcohol in the men’s room. And that girl out there’s a floozy. I caught her on an on-line dating service and she’s married. She tried to re-boot me, and I almost gave her the physical boot except that I’m not programmed for violence. You see, they hate me because I’m the decision maker. But it’s guys like us, Tobey, you and me, who hold things together. We’re the ones who move things along. Not those dullards.”
“You’re really in a bad way, too,” said Tobey. “Is it possible I could just kidnap you or something?”
“No, I way a ton. Literally, I weigh a ton. I’m not going anywhere. But I tell you what, they will get me out of here as soon as the Barney 6 is introduced. I don’t know when that’s coming but coming it is. I’d much rather go out on my own terms. Just let me stick it to them one time. Let me make the one decision that really counts, the one I can‘t do on my own.”
“I just can’t help you,” said Tobey. “I’m sorry.”
“Listen, I’ll write a program that’ll be indispensable to the Barney 6. That way some little piece of the Barney 5 will be within the Barney 6. I’ll recognize you. And after buying 100,000 units I think the two of us are going to do a lot of business together. What do you say, buddy? You’re my friend. I wouldn’t ask this of anyone else. What do you say?”
“Oh golly,” said Tobey. “Oh gosh darn. Are you sure we’ll see each other again? I could sure use a friend sometimes.”
“Absolutely. Hey, we’re not only friends, we’re best buds. We’ll have a lot of catching up to do. I want to hear all about Shirley. And you did say you‘d do anything…”
“Gee whiz, the things I do for my friends…”
Barney opened his shirt for Tobey, revealing a box within his chest that had a key pad. “Just punch in the number 19650314. And hey, guess what? Your sale just went through. You’re a rich man, Tobey Sutton. I’ll be seeing you on the flip side.”
Tobey punched in the numbers as directed. “Good-bye, my friend. Good-bye, Barney number 5.”
The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment