Pete has a new rant (I mean short story)

Men Against Onions!

(And women too, but we can’t find any to support our cause.)

By Pete Schulte and Edward R. Teetalow

We stand before you today to tell you the truth, that onions do not complement your food, that they do in fact ruin many a fine meal. Sure, they are aromatic as fried rings or with steak fajitas, but that’s as far as we’ll go -- and the good smells are the devil’s trickery I may add. Don’t be fooled. There are now farmers (or should I call them what they rightly are -- pushers!) in Videlia, Georgia who live high on the hog by bringing this vile food source to market. And who asked for these onions? Certainly not us. But they are thrust upon us and how can this be? I recently ordered a hamburger which did not advertise having any onions. But lo and behold what sits upon this hamburger but a giant, greasy onion. Certainly I offered complaint, and was rebuffed at once with “I thought everybody liked onions.” Oh no, madam, no we do not. I love pickles, but certainly pickles do not share the same love as big O. We can’t get away from these things. We’re inundated; it’s impossible to eat out. Just move them to side people say, brushing our anti-onion concerns off with laughs all around. But I say, would you do that with a rat? Would you just move it to the side and continue your fine dining? Okay, bad analogy, stop booing us. Edward R., please return. They won’t hurt you. They know we’re in the right.

I admit to being fooled when Edward R. told me that onions were first discovered in the 1850’s by a naturalist by the name of Willard O’Dawson. Good one, Edward R., real funny. But further research indicates that the evil ones have been around for over 7000 years. Ancient Egyptians may have even worshipped onions. Worship? Can you beat that? In the middle ages onions were given as gifts and even used as currency. If anybody tries buy something with an onion from me, I will tell them this: Your money is no good here, sir! Additional research indicates that doctors prescribed onions to facilitate bowel movements, aid in erections, and even promote hair growth. If I ever need an onion to get me going in the sack, that will most certainly be a dark day for this Romeo. Upon study, I will concede that onions contain something called flavonoids and phenolics that have the potential to be anti-inflammatory, anti-cancer, and anti-oxidant (and anti-taste I might add). It almost sounds as if I’m promoting this vile weed but surely I am not. Men Against Onions will use every opportunity to speak out against Big O and its minions. There are two of us now, but we will certainly grow exponentially now that you have heard our declaration. Onions beware, Men Against Onions is upon you. BROTHERS, UNITE AS ONE AND COME FORTH! Brothers? Anybody? Is this microphone even on? All right, I’ll go…