The Namedroppers
Cornwallis and Lenny went to the same New Year’s Eve party every year at Doug’s house. They knew they could count on seeing a certain Ricardo Robbins in attendance. They knew Ricardo would be holding court, the center of attention of course, Mister six foot two and eyes of blue. Mister Namedropper. “So how long do you think it’ll take Ricardo to mention his buddy, Pat Sajak?” said Cornwallis to Lenny.
“Oh, if it’s anything like last year, probably ten minutes tops.”
“How about we make a little wager then?” said Cornwallis.
“I’m up for a bet,” replied Lenny. “You know me.”
“I’ll take the over if you’ll take the under,” said Cornwallis.
“Over ten minutes to mention Pat Sajak?” questioned Lenny. “No way. I’d be happy to take the under if you’ll stick with the over.”
“You’re on!” said Cornwallis. “Loser does the dishes for the week.”
After the wager was agreed upon, into Doug’s house went the boys. Sure enough, they found Ricardo Robbins lingering near the shrimp bowl, casually popping one shrimp after another into his perfectly squared jaw. There he was, in all his six foot two glory, regaling two young lovelies about his days at sea. Cornwallis and Lenny were sickened. They didn’t come to Doug’s party to listen to Ricardo prattle on about responsible tanning, flexing on the bow, or paying lip service to saving the environment. They wanted to throw around some names -- and they had a bet to settle.
The two lovelies were well-mannered indeed, allowing Cornwallis and Lenny to intrude upon their threesome. And after proper introductions were made, Cornwallis asked Ricardo if he was still working down at the depot. “Of course I am. Where else would a man want to work?”
“And I bet you even run into a few celebrities every now and then,” hinted Lenny.
“Oh, from time to time I suppose,” Ricardo admitted.
“Any in particular you’d care to mention?” continued Lenny.
“Not really,” said Ricardo. “We’re really quite busy most of the time. I hardly have a moment to notice such things.”
Lenny wasn’t buying it. “But if they happen to be on television most nights, surely you’d take notice -- just a little.”
“If Ricardo doesn’t remember, he doesn’t remember,” injected Cornwallis. “But perhaps his recall will improve after eight or nine minutes go by.”
“Say, what are you boys up to?” asked Ricardo. “Do you intend to make merry with me?”
“Heavens no,” said Lenny. “Cornwallis and I just thought your two friends here would be interested in the people with whom you associate. I know I would.”
“Yes, they might,” added Cornwallis, “but only after seven minutes or so.”
“I believe you do make merry with me,” said Ricardo. “But if you wish to know that I’ve entertained the likes of Pat Sajak, then I’m fine with that. I have nothing to hide. Why, Pat and I…”
“I win!” blurted Lenny. “I win! He namedropped Pat Sajak. You’re doing the dishes for a week, Cornwallis. Lather up, my little friend.”
“You win nothing,” Ricardo spat. “Nothing at all. You, Leonard, will never live as large as I. And do you know why? It’s because you have no class, no style or panache. Had a person of Pat Sajak’s esteem entered your establishment, you might well sell him a pack of gum, but then ask if he’d like to buy a vowel as well. As if he’d never heard that one before. And Leonard, I know for a fact that you crossed paths with Marilu Henner at a recent gala. And I know for a fact that after meeting Marilu Henner, you told her that you’d heard she was pretty smart in real life for a dame -- a dame?! Oh, I heard she was as gracious as you’d expect from someone on television, but then turned to her companion and asked if anyone knew who that rube was. And you, Cornwallis? Don’t look so imperious. I know that you’ve been bragging all over town about meeting not one but two cast members from tv’s Seventh Heaven. But you couldn’t let it end there, could you? I heard you started peppering them -- badgering them really -- with questions about Beverley Mitchell, what’s she really like and all that. They finally had to give you the brush off, saying in effect, Hey dude, we’re just actors, okay? Let it go. Have another drink. See, you two losers will never know what it’s like to be comfortable with celebrities, what it’s like to be on their level. What I did with Pat Sajak was simple. I would bottle it if I could. See, I run into him and all he gets out of me is a friendly head nod and a slight smile of recognition. After that, you know, a trust is developed. Soon we’re pals. But you guys, you fuck it all up. Pardon my French, but I can’t say it any different. You fuck it up. You’re fuck ups.”
“Okay,” said a dejected Lenny, “I can see we have different approaches. But tell us, Ricardo, what other celebrities have you seen lately?”
Ricardo thought it over, though this was mostly for effect. “Why, just the other day I made the acquaintance of one Juliette Lewis.”
“Juliette Lewis!” said an excited Cornwallis. “Wow. Did you ask her about DeNiro, Scorcese?”
“Did you not listen to anything I’ve told you?” asked Ricardo. “No, of course you didn‘t. But I tell you, I gave Juliette nothing more than I gave to Pat Sajak. But mark my words, the next time I check my e-mail the very first name I’ll see in my in-box will be…”
“Juliette Lewis!” cried Cornwallis and Lenny in unison.
“Exactly,” replied Ricardo. “Exactly.”
The end.
p.s. Parts of this story are actually true.
A Few of our Favorite Things: 2016
Books (Miki)
Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
Witch of Lime Street by David Jaher
Kitchens of the Great Midwest by J Ryan Stradel
The Girls by Emma Cline
Black Rabbit Hall by Eve Chase
Books (Pete)
The Heavenly Table by Donald Ray Pollack
A Man Lies Dreaming by Lavie Tidhar
Chronicles Vol. 1 by Bob Dylan
Swing by Philip Beard
A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
Movies (We didn’t see many but we did like…)
Sing Street
Television (Miki)
This is Us
Television (Pete)
Anthony Bourdain ‘Parts Unknown’
Concert (Miki)
Norah Jones, Dixie Chicks
Concert (Pete)
Norah Jones
Music (Miki)
Nathanial Ratliff
Music (Pete)
Esmee Patterson’s ‘When We Were Wild’
Vacation highlight (Miki)
Magnolia Farms (Waco, Texas)
Vacation highlight (Pete)
Oregon beaches
Favorite event (both)
Going to the DMV. Wait, that wasn’t it at all. Our favorite event was the birth of our little Cordi. Despite a rather tumultuous year, we at the Schulte Sector have been truly blessed. We hope 2017 brings you all the best life has to offer. Happy New Year everyone!
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