A Scary, Hairy New Short Story by Pete

Pete's latest encounter with Bigfoot

Bend it like Bigfoot

By Pete Schulte

They were four best friends from Bend, Oregon, once boys but now grown men. Exactly twenty years ago, the boys went on a camping trip. Tony was the one who took the then famous but now pretty much forgotten photo of his three buddies. But it wasn’t just a picture of three teenaged boys in a woody meadow. In the background, if you believe in such things, was Bigfoot, looking in on the scene from the tree line. They had no idea Bigfoot was in the picture until the photos were developed a week or so later. “Hey, what’s that in background?” said Elvin to Walter, Daniel, and Tony. “Is that who I think it is?”

“It’s fucking Bigfoot!” said Walter. “What the hell?”

After fighting amongst themselves for possession of the photo and nearly destroying it in the process, the picture finally landed in the newspaper with the headline: Look Who Crashed the Picnic! The headline infuriated the boys who never trusted the media again. “We weren’t at a picnic,” said Walter. “That was a hike. Ten miles at least.” The boys were further humiliated at school when the other kids bastardized the headline to read: Look Who Crashed the Tea Party! The boys only trusted themselves after that.

Then of course there were the endless debates on whether what was in the background was really Bigfoot, or just a bear, a dog, a shadow, a tree, or a fake. Some yahoos came around and interviewed the boys, but nothing ever came of it except for the photo ending up in a couple phenomena magazines that catered to nerds and lonely old men. Tony, who took the darn photo, never even got any credit.

But, as written, this was twenty years ago. Times change, stories change, and boys become men. While drinking draft beers at Woody’s Tavern, Daniel had the bright idea. “Why don’t we do a reenactment?”

“A reenactment of what?” said Elvin.

“Of Tony’s picture, of us with Bigfoot,” said Daniel. “It’s been twenty years. We should celebrate or something.”

“That was some long hike though,” said Walter, “at least twenty miles.”

“Still, I’d be up for it,” said Tony. “We could get the media involved -- the right way. And I don’t care if they call it a tea party. I play tea party with my daughter all the time.”

“No, no media,” said Daniel. “This is for us only. Let’s make this about us, about four friends who’ve stuck together. What do you say, guys?”

After much debate and the clearing of schedules they all agreed to go. About a week later the guys found themselves trudging through the same woods from their youth. It was like a strange dream for all of them, where everything was the same only different somehow. All right, that was a dumb line but you know what I mean. The distances were shorter because their legs were longer, but they weren’t in the same physical shape and had to stop and pee more frequently. Also, some of the woods weren’t even woods anymore but housing developments and highways. Still, they pressed on and found themselves in the deeper and darker woods. Kind of spooky too in some parts, where you think someone’s watching you, watching every step you take. Eventually though, they lucked upon the exact same location where Tony snapped the semi-famous picture. “Okay guys, line up,” said Tony. “Let’s get this done.”

The guys did their best to remember who was standing where and what kinds of positions they were in. Before long they had it all set up, exactly as it was twenty years ago until…

“Hey guys, wait up!” said a voice from the woods. “You’re not taking that picture without me.”

After a moment of silence, it was Walter who broke the…well, repeated his line from long ago. “It’s fucking Bigfoot! What the hell?”

They couldn’t really see him exactly until he poked his head from between the thick branches. “Yeah, it’s me, Bigfoot. I saw you guys coming up the hill and I really didn’t think much of it. Then I put two and two together and thought ’Oh shit, those are my boys!’ Do you believe it, twenty years? How fun is this?”

They all thought about running, but Bigfoot had such a friendly voice and certainly wasn’t aggressive in any way. He just wanted his place in the photo. “I think I was standing here if I remember right,” said Bigfoot.”

“No,” said Tony, “you were a little over there and to the right.”

“Tony, that’s Bigfoot you’re talking to,” whispered Daniel. “You don’t give Bigfoot direction. If Bigfoot remembers doing a handstand, then let him do a handstand for God’s sake.”

“All right, all right,” said Tony. “You’re good, Bigfoot! Just hold steady there. Great! Got it! One more, okay?”

Tony got his reenactment shots and then Bigfoot called out and asked if he could approach. “You don’t need to ask us,” said Elvin. “We’re in your house.”

Bigfoot clamored over to the foursome. “Hey, who’s got weed?” he asked.

“Not me,” said Walter. “All I’ve got are some cough drops.”

“Shit, you’d think I’d have some weed with all this vegetation out here,” said Bigfoot. “But I don’t. Sucks.”

“We’ve got beer!” Daniel offered.”

“Hey, good enough,” replied Bigfoot.

The five of them set up a campfire and gathered round with their beers. There were a lot of questions to be asked, a lot of stories to be told, and many brewskies to drink. Tony looked at their gathered legs and feet and pointed out the obvious. “You certainly do have big feet, Bigfoot.”

“Yes,” he replied. “Hence the name.”

“Have you ever eaten someone, Bigfoot?” Elvin asked.

“No, that’s not my bag,” he replied. “But we do need to eat, so you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do sometimes.”

“I hear that, Bigfoot!” said Walter.

“We’re an anomaly,” continued Bigfoot. “Do you have any idea how good that is for the gene pool? Prevents disease of all kinds. I mean, all the good we do and do you know what we get? Jackass yahoos who hunt us down for pleasure.”

“Not cool,” said Daniel.

“If they ever caught us,” said Bigfoot, “they’d put us in zoos, man. Of course, you’d get three squares a day but what the fuck? You’ve got to be free. You know what I mean? Let freedom ring, right?”

“I’m certainly down with that,” said Tony.

After a lot of talk about kids and careers and aspirations and dreams and regrets and booze and this and that and the other, they finally had to call it a day. “Hey, let’s meet again,” said Bigfoot. “And next time we’ll bring our families. If we all keep our mouths shut we can make it happen. I know we can.”

The others agreed wholeheartedly and then Daniel spoke. “At the beginning of this trip I said we were four friends who’ve stuck together. But if circumstances were different, I really believe we’d be five friends.”

“Circumstances be damned,” said Bigfoot. “We are five friends! Five against the world! Now everybody put your hand in the middle.”

Four hands filled the circle over the dying fire, and then one great big furry hand topped them off. Here’s to five friends.

The end.