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| Pete's latest encounter with Bigfoot |
Bend it like Bigfoot
By Pete Schulte
They
were four best friends from Bend, Oregon, once boys but now grown men. Exactly
twenty years ago, the boys went on a camping trip. Tony was the one who took
the then famous but now pretty much forgotten photo of his three buddies. But
it wasn’t just a picture of three teenaged boys in a woody meadow. In the
background, if you believe in such things, was Bigfoot, looking in on the scene
from the tree line. They had no idea Bigfoot was in the picture until the
photos were developed a week or so later. “Hey, what’s that in background?”
said Elvin to Walter, Daniel, and Tony. “Is that who I think it is?”
“It’s
fucking Bigfoot!” said Walter. “What the hell?”
After
fighting amongst themselves for possession of the photo and nearly destroying
it in the process, the picture finally landed in the newspaper with the headline:
Look Who Crashed the Picnic! The headline infuriated the boys who never
trusted the media again. “We weren’t at a picnic,” said Walter. “That was a
hike. Ten miles at least.” The boys were further humiliated at school when the
other kids bastardized the headline to read: Look Who Crashed the Tea Party!
The boys only trusted themselves after that.
Then
of course there were the endless debates on whether what was in the background
was really Bigfoot, or just a bear, a dog, a shadow, a tree, or a fake. Some
yahoos came around and interviewed the boys, but nothing ever came of it except
for the photo ending up in a couple phenomena magazines that catered to nerds
and lonely old men. Tony, who took the darn photo, never even got any credit.
But,
as written, this was twenty years ago. Times change, stories change, and boys
become men. While drinking draft beers at Woody’s Tavern, Daniel had the bright
idea. “Why don’t we do a reenactment?”
“A
reenactment of what?” said Elvin.
“Of
Tony’s picture, of us with Bigfoot,” said Daniel. “It’s been twenty years. We
should celebrate or something.”
“That
was some long hike though,” said Walter, “at least twenty miles.”
“Still,
I’d be up for it,” said Tony. “We could get the media involved -- the right
way. And I don’t care if they call it a tea party. I play tea party with my
daughter all the time.”
“No,
no media,” said Daniel. “This is for us only. Let’s make this about us, about
four friends who’ve stuck together. What do you say, guys?”
After
much debate and the clearing of schedules they all agreed to go. About a week
later the guys found themselves trudging through the same woods from their
youth. It was like a strange dream for all of them, where everything was the
same only different somehow. All right, that was a dumb line but you know what
I mean. The distances were shorter because their legs were longer, but they
weren’t in the same physical shape and had to stop and pee more frequently.
Also, some of the woods weren’t even woods anymore but housing developments and
highways. Still, they pressed on and found themselves in the deeper and darker
woods. Kind of spooky too in some parts, where you think someone’s watching
you, watching every step you take. Eventually though, they lucked upon the
exact same location where Tony snapped the semi-famous picture. “Okay guys,
line up,” said Tony. “Let’s get this done.”
The
guys did their best to remember who was standing where and what kinds of
positions they were in. Before long they had it all set up, exactly as it was
twenty years ago until…
“Hey
guys, wait up!” said a voice from the woods. “You’re not taking that picture
without me.”
After
a moment of silence, it was Walter who broke the…well, repeated his line from
long ago. “It’s fucking Bigfoot! What the hell?”
They
couldn’t really see him exactly until he poked his head from between the thick
branches. “Yeah, it’s me, Bigfoot. I saw you guys coming up the hill and I
really didn’t think much of it. Then I put two and two together and thought ’Oh
shit, those are my boys!’ Do you believe it, twenty years? How fun is this?”
They
all thought about running, but Bigfoot had such a friendly voice and certainly
wasn’t aggressive in any way. He just wanted his place in the photo. “I think I
was standing here if I remember right,” said Bigfoot.”
“No,”
said Tony, “you were a little over there and to the right.”
“Tony,
that’s Bigfoot you’re talking to,” whispered Daniel. “You don’t give Bigfoot
direction. If Bigfoot remembers doing a handstand, then let him do a handstand
for God’s sake.”
“All
right, all right,” said Tony. “You’re good, Bigfoot! Just hold steady there.
Great! Got it! One more, okay?”
Tony
got his reenactment shots and then Bigfoot called out and asked if he could
approach. “You don’t need to ask us,” said Elvin. “We’re in your house.”
Bigfoot
clamored over to the foursome. “Hey, who’s got weed?” he asked.
“Not
me,” said Walter. “All I’ve got are some cough drops.”
“Shit,
you’d think I’d have some weed with all this vegetation out here,” said
Bigfoot. “But I don’t. Sucks.”
“We’ve
got beer!” Daniel offered.”
“Hey,
good enough,” replied Bigfoot.
The
five of them set up a campfire and gathered round with their beers. There were
a lot of questions to be asked, a lot of stories to be told, and many brewskies
to drink. Tony looked at their gathered legs and feet and pointed out the
obvious. “You certainly do have big feet, Bigfoot.”
“Yes,”
he replied. “Hence the name.”
“Have
you ever eaten someone, Bigfoot?” Elvin asked.
“No,
that’s not my bag,” he replied. “But we do need to eat, so you’ve got to do
what you’ve got to do sometimes.”
“I
hear that, Bigfoot!” said Walter.
“We’re
an anomaly,” continued Bigfoot. “Do you have any idea how good that is for the
gene pool? Prevents disease of all kinds. I mean, all the good we do and do you
know what we get? Jackass yahoos who hunt us down for pleasure.”
“Not
cool,” said Daniel.
“If
they ever caught us,” said Bigfoot, “they’d put us in zoos, man. Of course, you’d
get three squares a day but what the fuck? You’ve got to be free. You know what
I mean? Let freedom ring, right?”
“I’m
certainly down with that,” said Tony.
After
a lot of talk about kids and careers and aspirations and dreams and regrets and
booze and this and that and the other, they finally had to call it a day. “Hey,
let’s meet again,” said Bigfoot. “And next time we’ll bring our families. If we
all keep our mouths shut we can make it happen. I know we can.”
The
others agreed wholeheartedly and then Daniel spoke. “At the beginning of this
trip I said we were four friends who’ve stuck together. But if circumstances
were different, I really believe we’d be five friends.”
“Circumstances
be damned,” said Bigfoot. “We are five friends! Five against the world! Now
everybody put your hand in the middle.”
Four
hands filled the circle over the dying fire, and then one great big furry hand
topped them off. Here’s to five friends.
The
end.
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